Whew.

January 2010


Well, it’s here. 2010. A new decade. Feels pretty much like the old one, but it’s neat to write “2010”. Simple things for simple minds, I guess.

We have certainly had our share of doctor visits lately! Amy has had three ear infections in the last 6 weeks. Yesterday, the doc told Jason that her eardrum was about to rupture. Guess that explains the blood-curling screams that we had at 2 am Monday morning. Poor kid. She just can’t kick it. She had to have a shot and some super duper antibiotics this time. We go back in 10 days, and if she still has the infection or gets another one in the near future, we will have to have tubes put in. I am not happy about the thought of surgery, but I am so sick of seeing my poor baby hurting. Elizabeth has also been to the doc, we thought she had strep or tonsillitis, even the doc was surprised when the culture came back negative. Then, we had to take her back again, official diagnosis was CRUD. Her ears were also clogged (really). Not infected, but dripping back down into her throat and making everything else messed up. I’m about tired of all this!!!!! HAHAHA

We have had some COLD weather! Thankfully, it’s warmed up now. I have never seen it be so cold for so long.

On New Year’s Day, we decided to go visit Nanny. I am so glad that we did. We had a wonderful visit with her at her new house as Amy called it.

Nanny was very happy there, and stayed 11 days. On January 4th, I got a call from Daddy. Nurses came to get Nanny for a shower. I can remember thinking, “Oh that will be nice. She hasn’t been able to take a shower in a long time (unstable when standing). But, she’ll be worn out after that!!!” Anyway, while she was in the shower, or after they took her back to her room, I am honestly not sure, her heart stopped. Mama was there, she was in the waiting room while they gave her a shower. Next thing she knows, everyone is running to room 202, and the paramedics are there. All they would tell Mama was that she was unresponsive. Turns out, she died, and they revived her. Now Nanny has had a DNR for YEARS. Since I’ve known what one was, I knew she had one. BUT----it turns out that in a nursing home if the doctor has not signed the DNR, it is not valid. Since she was admitted over the holidays, the doctor had not signed the form. So, we had to watch her die over the next 4 days. Warning---this may get graphic.

Monday: After I got the call, I went to Clarksville. Nancy and Rory came to get me, as we only have one distance traveling car and Jason would need that when he came to get me. I was very glad that they were able to come and get me. We got to Clarksville too late to be able to see her at the 5pm visitation (she was in ICU), but we were able to go the 830 one. It was very evident that she was gone, and only the tube down her throat was keeping her alive. We were not able to do anything that night, as she had to stay on the machine a certain amount of time before they could take her back off. While we were in there, the sweetest nurse came in. She told mama that she was not allowed to come back unless she ate both supper and breakfast. :) She also asked if Nanny had had a flu shot. The woman is laying there on life support, and they want to know if she has had a flu shot. Sometimes you just have to laugh, and we have laughed and laughed about that one. Anyone that knows my family knows that we laugh. It’s what we do.

Tuesday: When we went back the next morning (Mama’s 60th birthday), we were able to meet with the doctor. He knew our wishes, Nanny’s wishes, and was happy to honor them. She was totally unresponsive, and would not be alive without the machines. He made arrangements with the nurses to turn the machines off when we asked. After we made the decision, we were all naturally very emotional. Mama locked herself in a bathroom and cried. I waited until she calmed down and went in with her. There were 8 babies born that day. As we opened the door to leave the bathroom, the lullaby went off. I literally hit the floor. I felt like someone just pulled my feet out from under me. I don’t think it would have mattered where I was, I was going down. I felt like I was going to faint, got punched in the stomach, and I don’t know what else all at once.

We called Daddy to come over, spent some time with Nanny, and then asked the nurses to turn off the machines at 10 am on Tuesday, January, 5, 2010. They asked us to wait in a small room by ourselves, and then came and got us when they were done. On tv, it happens just like that. Last peaceful breath, and your loved one is gone. Not so in real life. She was breathing evenly, but they told us it could be anytime…now or a week from now. We never imagined how strong Nanny was. They let us stay in the ICU with her until around 2, then moved her to a private room on the 5th floor. The room was huge, and it was a private room at the beginning of the hall. I believe it’s what the room was made for, for families to spend the last little bit of time with their family. Time is crazy in a hospital. It seems like you’ve been there forever, yet no time at all. I held Nanny’s hand for hours on end, literally. It seemed like 5 minutes and I would look up and it would have been 2 hours. We joked that my “post” was beside her bed, I kept my chair there, and if I was in the room, I was there.

It became evident that her kidneys had stopped working at this time, as the catheter never filled again after we moved up to the 5th floor, and never did again. All the fluids they gave her just pooled in her belly. Also, they had a poop bag (I have no idea what it’s called) on her. Did you know that the stuff that comes out at the end is the same that comes out in the beginning? Black and tarry.

Nanny had stayed on the 5th floor before, and we had some of the same nurses. Mary was the first one, she was wonderful. She knew who we were, and took good care of all of us. Daddy and I spent the first night there. He stayed up until 4, and then I got up and sat with her until Mama came back around 6. Sally was our nurse that night, and she was wonderful. Then he and I went home to get cleaned up. He was planning on sleeping for a while, and I came on back.

Wednesday: I got cleaned up and went back to the hospital. Joyce and Jimmy were there, and we were so happy to see them. They came and gave Nanny a bath. After the bath, things got bad. She was gasping for air, obviously in pain. The nurse we had that day was less than desirable, to say the least. Nanny was hurting so bad, and the nurse would do nothing. But, at the same time, it was like a magic time. Nanny was turning her head toward our voices, and was responding to our voices. I don’t know if she really was or if we just needed to believe she was, but it was important to us. She was crying. Tears. We could see pain on her face. I am not saying that we were glad she was in pain, never never, never!!!! But her interacting with us was magical. We finally realized that she was on her side, and she didn’t like to be on her side. We moved her back to her back, very carefully, her skin was thinner than paper, and then she calmed down. In the mean time, we called Daddy to come back again, b/c we thought this was it.

I was planning on staying that night with Daddy again, but had a severe blood sugar drop. Thankfully, Daddy had some candy and I was able to revive a bit. You truly do forget to eat. I think its b/c you don’t see the outside for hours on end, and you have no concept of what time it is. Anyway, I went home, and Mama and Daddy stayed. Sally was the nurse again Wednesday night. She made coffee for Mama and Daddy at 1 in the morning.

Thursday: It started snowing. Mary was our nurse again. It was a long day, but thankfully uneventful. Nancy, Rory, and I stayed Thursday night. Both nights I stayed, I slept holding her hand. I could sleep as long as I felt the bed moving. By now, the bed shook every time she breathed, and it was obvious every breath was tougher than the last. Sally was our nurse again Thursday night.

Friday, January 8, 2010: Still snowing. I went home to take a shower. Oby was our nurse that day. She called us all “baby”. I had decided that Jason and I were going to Erin on Saturday to make arrangements. He was coming to get me. I didn’t want to go home, but I hadn’t seen my babies since Monday. I have never been away from them for so long, and I don’t care to be again anytime in the near future. Mildred came to be with us. After lunch, I asked Daddy if he didn’t want to just go and do the STUFF. I called the funeral home in Clarksville, and it turned out that we could take care of everything there. We went over and I picked out a simple wooden coffin, and a new blue dress and white sweater. I think Nanny would have been pleased. We officially signed Nanny into hospice that day. However, they arranged it so that all it was was a paper work move, and we would have more nurses, and more pain management. Also, they put her on a special bed b/c her skin was tearing so bad. You could literally see spots burst open. When Daddy and I got back, Beth and Katrina were there. I knew as soon as we walked in to door that it was time. She was scrunched up and gasping. We held her hands, talked with her, told her to go home. Someone went and got a nurse, who said that she would have few more breaths, called them something and that would be it. (She said it much nicer than that). I could not find her pulse, and Katrina checked and couldn’t find it (she’s a nurse). Mama and I were holding her hands when she finally lost the fight. I think she was waiting for me and Daddy to get back to know that everything was taken care of. We stayed for a few minutes, and then I went and got a nurse. Official time of death was 430pm on Friday, January 8, 2010. Hospice came soon after to clean her up. I was glad that they were there when we left; I didn’t want to leave her alone. The nurse said she would stay until the funeral home came.

Daddy went to take a load of stuff home. We had amassed quite a bit, and we were in the truck (Nancy and Rory had stayed home. Nancy did not want to be there when it happened, and I think that is just fine. I did, and am glad that I was.) Mama and I waited in the lobby for him to come back. I can remember helping Daddy carry stuff back and telling Mama wait for me, I’m not done yet. I have to come back and see her again.

I called Jason after it happened. He came. We stayed at our county inn and suites that we always stay at. We went out to eat, all of us. This may sound strange, but that’s what Nanny would have wanted us to do. She was a feeder. So, we ate. I was so worried about Mama the whole time. I wouldn’t take my eyes off her. She is doing remarkably well, thought.

Saturday: Still snowing. We went over to Erin that morning, and got the final arrangements taken care of. Visitation was 4-8 Saturday evening. It was long, but there was a pretty steady stream of people. We left around 730, since no one else was coming. Had dinner at Fitz’s in Erin. Jason and I stayed at the Deerfield in Erin. It was much nicer than I expected.

Sunday: got the funeral home about 9, funeral was at 2. Had a good turn out. Jason read Footprints. That was Nanny’s favorite poem. Went to the cemetery. We left from there. It was so good to see my babies again.

Well, all the thank you notes are written. The flowers are all delivered. It still doesn’t seem real. We went shopping last weekend, and Mama and I kept thinking “Nanny would like that”. Jason and I are planning on taking the girls to the cemetery soon and taking some flowers. The hardest part of the whole thing was telling Elizabeth. She took it as well as could be expected. Jason didn’t tell her before he left. We decided to wait until we could tell her together. I brought her a paper from the funeral with Nanny’s stuff on it, and that seemed to make her happy.

Several times, we overheard nurses commenting about us. How it was evident that we loved each other. What an amazing legacy for an amazing woman.

86 years is a good life. Rest in peace, Nanny.